Relationships - FAQ
I was just wondering, if you know everything, then what was the date that my boyfriend and I first started dating and broke up (the very last one)? Will we ever be back together?
First starting dating on August 17.
Last break up on February 4.
You will break up four more times.
Is my boyfriend cheating on me?
How should I know? However don't make any accusations unless you have sufficient evidence to back them up.
My boyfriend of almost seven years, not to mention the father of my child, has been acting strange. I know that we have a lot of things going on and we are both stressed but I’m worried he is acting this way because he is cheating? He swears he is not and says he would never do that but I’m not sure. Please help.
As I said in the November 11, 2000 column you shouldn’t make any accusations without evidence. Lots of men act strangely if they get a case of the seven-year itch, but it doesn’t mean they are necessarily cheating. My advice is to either hire a private detective or give him the benefit of the doubt.
Dear Wizard, I want to know if my boyfriend is lying to me when he says he loves me an he’s not cheating on me but a girl keeps going there an calling him an he said he don’t like her an swears he’s not going to cheat she’s causing problems so do I trust him is he cheating on me help me plzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
You should trust him until you have much more compelling evidence he is cheating. There is nothing to worry about until there is something to worry about. Also, please do something about your run-on sentences.
Do my two best friends really love each other and if they do, what will happen to one of their partners?
This one is so lacking in details I can’t do much with it. What I will advise is to worry less about your friends and more about yourself. Let them work this out and if you’re not asked to participate then don’t.
When my boyfriend and I first started dating there was this girl that would flirt with him all the time. Well I told him to ignore her or it would be over. He did, or so he said. We drove passed her yesterday and he smiled at her. I got mad at first then I just let it go. He started yelling at me and told me that he could say hi to her whenever he wanted. What I don’t get is that he gets so jealous whenever I talk to one of his friends. Does this mean that he could be talking to this girl behind my back? PLEASE ANSWER ME!!!!!
I’m not big on jealousy. It should be okay for either of you to be friendly with the opposite sex. Even light flirting can be okay if it just in fun and goes no further than that. If you don’t have trust in a relationship then it is bound to fail. My advice is to put your relationship to the test and allow flirting on both sides. If that causes the end of it then it wasn’t meant to be in the first place.
when i got with my new boyfriend i knew he had a baby on the way but he told me that him and the mother were done. the baby was born and he has been a part of her life but i was on yahoo messagner and the babies mother thought i was her babies father i was on as him. but she wrote me and was like i enjoyed the other night it was wonderful, it just so happens that me and him wasnt together that night. When i asked him about it he got mad and told me to believe whoever i wanted to. so i guess my question is who should i believe?
I believe the baby’s mother. My advice is to get out of this mess and take some remedial English classes.
I have a friend (ex-girlfriend) who is in a bad relationship. Her husband, married and stayed with because of two unexpected children and a third on the way (all while on birth control), treats her awful, emotionally abuses and manipulates her, and does little in the ways of either housework or regular work. She has almost filed for divorce a couple times, but has stopped herself because she did not know if she would be able to support her children alone. She makes a decent amount of money as the sole breadwinner, so I’m starting to wonder if this is a copout answer (though he doesn’t work, he does provide free daycare services). She also never wants to be the bad guy, especially in her children’s eyes, and she thinks being with her husband is less damaging to them than being without. Let’s say she wins the lottery or somehow comes upon a large sum of money. Do you think she would really leave him?
First, I think you should stay out of it. She seems to be looking at this as the better of two bad choices for her and her children, which is the best way to look at it. Without knowing the situation better I can’t make any predictions but I would let them work it out while you go on with your life.
Whenever my boyfriend of 16 months has a bad day, he gets really cranky and he takes it out by being short and kind of rude to me. I don’t think it’s personal, but how do I get him to stop being mean to me just cause he’s having a bad day?
I would just turn around and leave the room when he does that. If he follows you then leave the house until he has cooled off. If that doesn’t work I would throw that fish back in the sea. There is an endless supply of nice guys out there who would treat you like a queen who women usually ignore in favor of guys like yours.
Me and this guy have been togehter on and off a couple times well i finally ended it about 8 months ago and i moved on to somebody new... he is a really nice guy and i couldn’t be happier... well i’ve been having dreams about me and my ex getting back together... so my question for you is.... do you see us together again in the future? maybe married or something? There is no really good reason as to why i broke up with him in the first place so hows about helping me out and answering my damn question!!!! THANKS!!!
My advice is to stick with the nice guy you have now. You seem to have a fear of commitment, which is causing you to second guess yourself. The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. Hold onto the good thing you have now.
Am I pregnant?
I don’t think so. I set the lines at yes +240, no -300.
I’ve been dating this girl for about 6 months now. She is beautiful, runs one of the hottest bars in town, is a huge football fan and a great cook. Her family is from Philly and like many from that town, have summer places on the Jersey Shore. Over Labor Day weekend she "dragged" me down there. On several occasions that weekend she would say to me "honey, tomorrow I’m going to spend some time on the beach. Why don’t you go to Atlantic City and play some blackjack or poker". My question to you - what is the probability of this getting any better?
It is hard to improve upon that. I’d give it a 10% probability. However I would concentrate on reeling that fish in as opposed to wondering if it will get bigger.
I’ve been emailing this girl through the E Harmony system, which allows for anonymous communication, for a little over two months now. Probably over a month ago, I asked if she would like to meet in person, and she mentioned she would in "2-3 weeks." We have great conversations over email, but I must admit the lack of taking things to the next level -- as in coffee -- is starting to seem to be a red flag. That said, we’ve both been very busy over this time. What do you think are the three most probable reasons for her reluctance to get together in person? I forgot to mention that she’s a psychiatrist, so of course I could be the victim of some grand experiment. That was a joke, but let me know what you think. Thanks!
She might be using you as her psychiatrist. It sounds like she is leading you on and just wants somebody to listen to her. Another possibility is she is in another relationship that is rocky and you are her backup plan. You can’t waste your time in limbo indefinitely. I would tell her to not contact you until it is with a meeting date.
My boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for over a year. He has cheated on me before but he was really drunk and didn’t remember it. I am starting to feel he is cheating again, and in turn I have definitly become a snoop. I check his call log on the internet and today I noticed that he called this girl, Anne, five minutes after he called me and was wasted and yelled at me. I also heard on his voicemail the girl leaving a message at 2am saying to call him. He has been very short with me lately, and when I called him today, he said "did you need something?". I just don’t know what to do. If I break up with him,I will totally regret it because he is always able to make me feel like he WAS trying very hard, and it’s my fault that I wanted way too much. I forgot one thing. My birthday was over one month ago, and I have yet to get a present. Please help
Birthdays are such relationship killers. If he isn’t blatantly cheating he is at least hedging his bets by heating up things with those on the waiting list. However I can’t say that I blame him because you seem paranoid and possessive. My advice is to lower the temperature on this. Do as he does and heat up some friendships with other guys as a back up plan. Either he will get jealous and make a stronger effort or it will hasten the eventual ending, which are both better than continuing to go sideways.
I’ve been dating my ex-boyfriend’s good friend for about 5 months now. My ex boyfriend and I have completely moved on, however we are now friends. He recently came up to me and told me that my new boyfriend was cheating on me with at least three different girls, has unprotected sex with them and has an STD. He also said that the only reason he is still with me is because he "doesn’t want to break my heart." My question to you is, is he really cheating? He is with me, at work or school about 75% of the time and the other 25% I’m not sure where he’s at and I don’t question it. I never had reason to believe that he was cheating on me until now...what do you think the deal is? Thanks.
I would ask your ex what his evidence is. Accusations should always be backed up with evidence. Maybe there is suddenly some bad blood between the two of them and this is a way of your ex seeking retribution. It seems unlikely he would make up this story out of thin air so there may be some basis in truth to it. However he is professing more knowledge than I think it totally believable. So probe him for more details.
I just got back with my boyfriend and was wondering if I can tell if he’s cheating on me besides flirting with the other chick.
The joke is that you can tell a man is cheating if he is happy. Seriously, look for any changes in his behavior. If he spends less time with you, looks better, goes to different places, or does different things then he probably cheating.
My boyfriend and I usually hang out together but now we barley do that anymore because he goes over to his best friends house and that’s where his ex lives too. What should I do?
Tell that bum to hit the road.
My boyfriend maintained an email relationship with an ex-lover, but ended it when she admitted her intentions with him weren’t honorable. BUT, the ex’s girlfriend (she’s bisexual) then emailed my guy, berating him, so says he is "forced" to continue corresponding because he, "Tried to end it once." I was not uncomfortable her intentions, and this drama were disclosed, despite the ex sending him cards on holidays and ’just because,’ and texting messages occasionally. But one time her girlfriend left him a bizarre cell phone message pretending to be me asking him on a date. He still maintains his return emails are nondescript, mundane, and nonsexual and he has no feelings for her. Yet tonight, at a club we frequent, he became panic-y, dragging me away from our friends, saying the two were there and WE had to leave--he didn’t want them to see him. I say he’s hiding something. He says he’s not; just that her girlfriend is so unstable he doesn’t know what crazy thing/s she might do in public. What is going on here?
I’m of the opinion that it is almost impossible for a couple to remain friends after breaking up. The best you can hope for is a Christmas card relationship. Anything more than that and at least one party is thinking about getting back together. Although you didn’t ask, my advice about breaking up is to do it cold turkey and get on with your life. I of course don’t know exactly what is going on here but where there’s smoke there’s fire. You don’t have enough evidence to make any accusations but continue to be suspicious.
I have been good friends with a coworker for a year now. I can’t stop thinking about her. I’m somewhat hesitant about taking the next step because a) I don’t want to get rejected and possibly lose our great friendship b) dating coworkers can get messy especially if it doesn’t work out. Anyways, what are the odds that I’m falling in love with her? What are the odds that she’s falling in love with me?
First, let me express my opinion about dating coworkers. I’m all in favor of it! I also do not respect rules that forbid inter-office relationships. It is hard enough to meet people without restricting those faces you see every day. However I would make an exception if the two people were in the same chain of command. It doesn’t sound like this is the case here so I wouldn’t let point B get in your way.
The fact that you are friends is a very good sign. I know this sounds terribly junior high, but is there someone you trust you could send to feel her out for how she feels about you? If not perhaps you could organize an after work dinner sometimes with her and some other coworkers. Perhaps in a more casual setting, and preferably with a couple drinks in her, you can pry a little deeper. Do anything to increase the temperature without coming straight out and declaring your feelings. If you do that and she doesn’t share the same feelings it will ruin your friendship.
To answer your question the probability you are falling in love with her is clearly pushing 100%. It is hard to say the other way but probably only about 10%. However don’t let that discourage you, she just might need more time. Good luck to you. I’d be interested to know what happens.
I have been with my boyfriend for about 8 months now. We have been through a lot. Some people don’t even want us to be together. A couple of months into the relationship, he told me that he lied to me in the beginning of our relationship because he was trying to impress me. Now he lives with this woman. People are telling me that they are messing around. I broke up with him, but he swears that they are not messing around and that I never even gave him a chance to say anything. I don’t know who I should believe, DO YOU?
Believe your friends. Often love can cloud one’s judgement, while your friends can see more clearly see what is going on and can give good advice. Lying is also a big strike against this guy. Move on with your life.
My boyfriend broke up with me over a year ago for about 8 months, and then we got back together. Everything was fine for the first 4 months, then I started to become resentful of the time he broke up with me because he really hurt me. He is someone who is mainly friends with the opposite sex because he’s such a nice guy. He also loves a lot of attention, and I tend to be a jealous person. It seems he is constantly trying to impress other girls and doesn’t really like to acknowledge the fact that he has a girlfriend. As someone who is insecure, this seems like a very bad match. I’ve tried to tell him that our relationship is unhealthy, but he won’t hear it. What should I do?
You can’t fault him for being a nice guy. What I think is unhealthy is your jealousy.Unless don’t stop trying to keep him on a short leash I think a second breakup is inevitable.
My boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for two years. We have a child together and have been living together for the last 5 months. It frustrates me that my boyfriend, right after coming home from work, goes to the gym for 3 hours about twice a week. I have nagged and complained saying that is doesn’t take 3 hours to go to the gym. He always goes with his one buddy and my suspicion is that they’re doing more than going to the gym. Tonight he’s working late---conveniently he told me that he told his boss that he’ll work three hours overtime and no more. Do I have the monkey by the tail or is there something up? What can he possibly doing for three hours two times a week?? Thank you in advance for your time, Regards,
Three hours at the gym sounds fishy to me too, not to mention working overtime the same amount of time. If he is cheating then nagging him with circumstantial evidence will not make him stop. It will just make him try harder to avoid detection. My advice is act like you believe him and hire a private investigator to tail him. You want him to have his guard down, he will be easier to catch that way. If it turns out you’re right get as far away from the bum as possible. Until then you don’t have enough evidence to be making any accusations.
Hey, i really appericate you doing this thanks. Now to my question. I used to know this girl in high school. we used to be friends. After it was about to end i liked her but never thought she would like me so didnt do nothing. 3 yrs later, now. she found me on a website. She was so happy ans send me a friends request and a message saying how happy she was finding me. I accepted it and she gave me her screen name so we can talk. So we talked and it was all good and she kept saying im happy i found you. Then she asked me if i ever had a crush on me. and i said u go 1st and she said yes i did, then i told her also i did. and it was good from there and felt like she really did like me. Then after a few days. she stopped talking to me as often then she used to. Doesnt write as much emails and doesnt talk to me like before and i feel like she doesnt like me no more like she forgot me. I dont know what happen. What do you think? What should i do?
You put each other on the spot with this question, which is almost always a big mistake. Maybe she just wanted to satisfy her curiosity or get a boost to her self-esteem from your confession. After the smoke cleared there was no mystery any longer. So I think she is lowering the temperature because she has no use for you any longer. My advice is let it go.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. Since we started dating on halloween, he said I was no longer allowed to have friends because the only person I needed in the world was him. This rule has only become more strict and now i am no longer allowed to say hi to our roommate, to his friends while at work, or even answer his phone. Since our last anniversary, we’ve done nothing but fight and our relationship seems to be failing. He’s been talking about bringing other people into the relationship and his ex girlfriend has been calling "just to check up on him". She started out of the blue moon, they haven’t spoken in several year. Now, she’s been calling him three times a week for an hour or two at a time. Im not sure if they are planning to get back together or just being friends. I find this to be a double standard. Either way, our relationship is failing and I see it ending soon. I want to know if I should work with him to see whats happening and how to control it, end the relationship or if I should wait for him to approach me.
What a waste of three years! You should have walked the moment he started setting down rules about who you could be friends with. Cut this insecure jerk lose immediately. My pity will go to his ex-girlfriend, assuming they get back together.
bf & i have been goin out for a yr plus. but on and off. we recently meet again after soo long that hes been ignoring my calls. we end up having sex and after that day, we talk normally on the phone like im not his gf. i also know that he aint got any gf. does he really love me or treat me like a ’sex buddy’? im soo depressed and confuse.
You are just his sex buddy. If you are looking for more than that then my advice is don’t waste any more of your time with him. This also just goes to show what I always say, that it is almost impossible to be just friends after a breakup.
My ex-boyfriend were together for 3 years.everything was fine until 2 months ago.we were arguing alot and not getting alone at all.But we were still in love.He came to me and told me that i argue to much and that he cant take it anymore.i was so devasted.but he still comes over and we still do things together but he wont make me his girlfriend.i know he talks to other girls and that really do hurt me.i try so hard to get over him but i cant.we still say that we love each other and we kiss.And sometimes we spend the night with each other.we also brung new years in with each other and stayed together that whole night and woke up with eact other.My question is, are we going to ever get back together and if so when.and why is it taking so long for him to come back to me.ive tried everything.help me please before i go crazy and out my mind!
There is an old saying that a man is not going to buy the cow if he can get the milk for free. Three years is enough to be kept in limbo by this guy. Tell him to stop contacting you unless it is with a wedding date.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I trusted him very much until yesterday when I found out his online profile stating that he is looking dating and relationship. He updates his profile everyday also. I also found out he sent a message to a girl he started to chat with: "hi, babe, you are hot as hell, tell me about yourself". I confronted him later and he told me that girl email him first and he was just trying to be nice. He also said that he didn’t know his profile was saying he is here for dating and relationship. He changed it right away, but I don’t know if I should trust him anymore. All these years he made me believe that he was the most faithful man on earth and now I don’t know what to do.
You certainly have a valid complaint. However in my opinion online cheating is a much lesser sin than cheating in real life. I wouldn’t throw away three good years over this. My advice is to consider this strike one and keep an eye on his computer activities for a while. Other than that I’d give him a pass this time.
My boyfriend has broken up with me a few times, but always comes back. The first time I think he started to like another girl. He went to the movies with her and the next night called me wanting to get back together. Then he broke up with me for a month and then called wanting to get back together. He doesn’t let me have any friends male or female b/c he says he can’t trust me. But when I don’t like it when girls call him he yells and gets mad at me. What should I do and do you think he is cheating on me with one of the girls that call him?
I can’t stand this jealous waffler from your description. Throw this one back immediately. There are plenty of better fish in the sea.
me and my bf have been together for a year and 8months he moved away about 8 months ago and we have had a long distant relatioship, and well he has already cheated once when he lived here and once while he was over there in colorado. when i found out we broke up but he ended up having sexual relations with another female i forgave him for that too and now he says he doesnt want to mess up again.. my question is will he do it again are we suppose to be together??
Of course he is going to say he won’t do it again. Any man who cheats is also going to lie. I’m reminded of the expression, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." I think forgiveness the first time is optional. Do it again and you’re a fool. The next time he cheats, which is just a matter of time, grow some backbone and get rid of him.
My boyfriend and I found out I pregnant about 2 months ago. We have been together for 3 1/2 years and after we found out, he has been going over to his best friend’s house every night until 3:30 in the morning, not talking to me unless it’s necessary, not sleeping in the same bad as me unless that happens to be where he falls at and just pretty much ignoring me. I have asked him if he was cheating and he siad no but his dad and brother cheat on their wives/girlfriends all the time, so my question is do you think he is cheating on me?
Yes. That is not the only problem. This bum clearly is not taking responsibility for his actions. Is there anybody of character who he is close to him that can give a much-needed man to man talk? Clearly his father and brother don’t qualify. I’d give him more time to turn around, but you are going to have to formulate a fall back plan if he doesn’t change. I would encourage you to consider adoption as a possible course of action.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a little over two years, pretty much because i wasnt happy anymore and i had a lot of trust issues because he has lied to me a lot in the past mostly about his smoking pot, but once he was really drunk and admitted to me that he went to the movies with a nother girl, he swore nothing happened but we broke up for about a month and a half at that time and then tried to work things out we were back together for about 5 and a half months but he had been acting very shady and i know he had been spending a lot of time talking to one of my female friends who i knew he was attracted to. basically i have a few questions one is do you think he physically cheated on me meaning even just kissing someone else. also i forgot to mention in that 5 and half months we were back together we only had sex once. also my other question i really have no interest in getting back together with him but whats the best way for me to get closure and move on with my life as quickly as possible, and lastly did he ruin me for other relationships am i going to be able to trust other men? thanks for your time.
Yes, I would say that kissing qualifies as cheating. However it doesn’t really matter because you don’t owe it to him or yourself to build up a case to justify leaving. In my opinion the best way to break up is to do it fast and clean. Forget the friendship nonsense, just tell him you’re unhappy and are moving on, and that the two of you are not to have any future communication. Then give yourself a cooling off period. Don’t lose faith in all men. There are millions of nice guys out there who would treat you like a queen (to quote Peter Brady). Rather than faulting all men I think you should fault yourself for the choices you make.
Your site and strategies are play books for when I gamble. Thanks to your advice on the lowest house edge bets I have enjoyed many hours of casino entertainment at minimal cost. My question involves a new boyfriend. I only consider myself having been in love twice in my life. My college boyfriend had a palindrome for a birthday 9/7/79, a man I fell in love with, but it didn’t work out after college had a birthday of 1/8/81. Now I am dating and quickly falling in love with a man born on 7/7/78, almost a palindrome. Do you think this means anything? Could it mean that he’s just different enough from the other two to be the one? I was born in 1979, my birthday is not a palindrome.
You’re welcome. I’m always happy to teach people how to play smarter in the casinos. This sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy to me. Like how some people keep dating others with the same first name over and over. Having a palindromic (is that a word?) birthday is cool in a math geek kind of way, but nothing more. Personally I’m proud to be born on 5/23 at 5:23 PM, which are both primes I might add. Anyway, I wish you love and happiness with the 7/7/78 guy. [Ed. note: Wizard, give me her email address. She sounds hot. -- M. Bluejay]
The other day i was on the computer while my boyfriend was out,and stumbled across so really horrible porn photos of him and his ex-lovers,altho i shouldnt have been looking at those folders,i decided that i should tell him what i did and tell him how sick i felt that he has them.he then dropped by accident that there are videos too.I told him how i feel about him having that stuff(ie him having sex with his ex’s),but he doesnt see anything wrong with it-he says theyre a souvenir of the past(altho he also says that he didnt love them-so what is it a souvenir of?).i never had let anyother guy take photos of me naked, but now i really feel used and abused!-i said he could either keep the others and delete mine or visa versa-but he wont do either.Because of the age gap between us, he just calls me immature-i dont think im being unreasonable-as i said i feel used, and frankly i dont know whats going to happen between us? can our relationship last? and am i really in the wrong? (i did afterall really really appologize about looking at the folders)
I’m afraid I take his side. He wouldn’t fault you for keeping old love letters from ex-boyfriends would he? However I don’t blame you for not wanting to be a part of the collection. It may make you feel better if he says he goes along with your request, however I tend to think he’ll conveniently forget about a backup somewhere. So I don’t think your ultimatum is going to solve the problem. If you can’t accept his uninhibited attitude then I think, indeed, the relationship won’t last.
Help! I think my boyfriend of over a year is cheating on me. Lately he has been getting a lot of instant messages from his ex. They haven’t spoken for a long time, and he told me it was for closure. Then one morning he called me her name, twice. I was upset, but he said he must have been dreaming so I forgave him. A week later when I was doing his laundry I found another girl’s underwear in his dirty clothes, he said it was his sisters, but she denied ever having owned such a color and it is the wrong size for her. I started getting suspicious and one night when we got into a fight over it, he tried to calm my suspiciousions by telling me that, ’yea, i really wanted to get with her. I want to show her what she is missing. And it would be so easy, you would never find out," . . . then he went on to tell me that he didn’t though, because he knew that would mean the end of us. It is a month later and he is still acting strange. He used to always answer his phone, and now he doesn’t get back to me for hours sometimes, he is always ’leaving his phone in the car’. I have known him for four years, and he carries his phone almost everywhere, and ALWAYS answers when people call. Also there have been a few times when he has gone ’out with his cousin’ that he was supposed to be in by 1am, and when I look at the clock as he is creeping in, its 5am. He always has some great reason, but I am continuously forced to wonder if it is getting to be too much, and I am just a fool.
I was convinced he was cheating by the time you got to the underwear part. Wake up and smell the coffee.
My boyfriend and i have been together for a year, he has a child with his ex, but never gets to see his daughter. He’s 7 years older than me and i’m afraid he’s cheating, early on in the relationship he was having a sexual conversation with a girl he use to work with while he was spending the day with me. And now he’s going out everynight and gets drunk recently i found a message to his friend saying he still has feelings for her. He says he only said it as a friend saying he has feeling for her as a friend and later that same night he text another girl calling her sexy. I just don’t what to do anymore, do you think he’s cheating??
He probably is. However even if he hasn’t consummated the act of cheating what you have evidence of I would consider lighter degrees of cheating. So even only what is one the table I’d walk away.
I have this problem with my boyfriend. We started dating the end of January last year, and he broke up with me in the begining of October last year, because he cheated on me. He just called me asking if I would take him back about 3 weeks ago. So i took him back, so were together again. But something still doesn’t feel right. I just got this feeling that something is really wrong. I get so sick to my stomach and just have all these thoughts going through my head about him but i just cant figure out what is so wrong. It’s driveing me crazy, I can’t consitrate on anything anymore. Do you have any idea what might be wrong?
My diagnosis is that your conscience is saying you are making a big mistake taking him back. The sick feeling is what happens when you know you aren’t doing the right thing. So listen to your gut and throw him back.
Me and my guy just started a month ago but I’m already having second thoughts about our relationship. You see, he’s two hours apart from me and all we have is messaging over the phone and talking over the phone for the pass one whole month. During our first few weeks together, I believed everything he said, including he’s stop smoking for me and he’s trying to make a change for me. Now, after some small argument, i find it hard to believe every time he said he’s busy and I’m actually not believing that he’s gonna change to be a better person anymore. Last time, when we were dating, a girl messaged him and told him her affection and he just said sorry he’s sleepy now he’s got to go. Now, i’m really worried I’m being treated this way too. We’ve only been together for a month and I find it hard to trust him already. Is it all my mistake? Should i stop this?
I would dump just for the reason of smoking alone. Smoking is a vile, filthy, disgusting, and repugnant habit. Not only is he killing himself, you also put your life at risk by exposing yourself to his secondhand smoke. I know you said this is long distance but it can’t stay that way forever. The most important piece of dating advice I can give is that a non-smoker should never even consider dating a smoker. That is three immediate strikes. Don’t even let them get up to the plate. Furthermore, I wish the state would ban smoking in casinos.
I don’t believe him when he said he would quit for you. He probably has all kinds of action where he lives and is just keeping you on the back burner for when he needs a change of venue. I also don’t see the reason for starting out a long-distance relationship. The odds against these are bad to begin with, but especially with no kind of history together to fall back on. So, yes, it is all your mistake. You deserve a lot better. Next time make it somebody local and a non-smoker.
I have been with my boyfriend for 2years and 8mths we are doing ok, we have talked about our futures and how we want to spend them together, but latley he has been acting different and today i asked him a question about a friend of mine she said that he talked to her well we always tell each other when we talk to the opposite sex but for some reason i guess he didnt and when i asked him about it he just said he didnt talk to her and he got really mad and defensive whats going on with him?
He is probably sick of this policy of reporting to you whenever he talks to someone of the opposite sex. If you can’t trust each other to have an innocent conversation with someone of the opposite sex then the relationship is doomed. So I don’t blame him for getting mad and defensive. I think you are making a small problem into a big one over this. My advice is drop it, and drop this ridiculous confession rule while you’re at it.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years as I found out he was cheating on me with a "friend." After we broke up, I found out that I was pregnant. Because of his new "friend" he wants nothing to do with our child and refuses to acknowledge my being pregnant. I would like our child to know his family. Is it okay to tell his family that I am pregnant?
Based on your version this guy seems like a real bum. Family is a lot more than DNA. If he isn’t willing to accept his responsibilities then he is nothing more than a sperm donor. If he doesn’t care the rest of his family probably won’t either. However he is obligated to help support his child, and I would hold him to that. If you press for the courts for paternity tests his family will learn about this anyway. For now I would lower the temperature and don’t give out any unsolicited information. Brining others into this may only escalate tensions.
I am continued to be amazed at the number of personal relationship questions your readers ask. Your answers are spot-on, as far as I am concerned, but does it surprise you that you have become a modern-day "Dear Abby"? Maybe there is a correlation between solving complicated math problems and solving complicated matters of the heart?? In any case, keep up the good work.
Thanks for your vote of confidence. According to my count I only received four such questions in the first 134 columns. However starting in August 2005 they flooded in, partly because my webmaster, Michael Bluejay got us the #1 rank in Google for a search on "Is my boyfriend cheating on me". We have since dropped to #2. To answer your question, yes, there is a connection. I take a cold calculating look at both casino games and life. When I give advice in either venue it is based on what I think will make the asker happier in the long run.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for a little more than a year. i am 18 as well as he. i am 8 months pregnant. my problem is that in december, my boyfriend went to puerto rico with his family for his sisters birthday (because that is where his family lives). he came back down in january and i had already moved in. since he has come back we have done nothing but argue. it all started when we developed a camera with all pictures of him and one girl. after a few days, i got over it and figured that she was just a friend. but then i found and address to puerto rico in his wallet and when i asked him what it was, he told me it was hers. we argued for days and he told me that she was nothing but a friend and he throiugh the address away. Here is my problem, YESTERDAY, i found the address again hidden in his wallet, but this time on different paper. when i asked him why he keeps wrting it down and putting it in his wallet he tells me she’s just a friend and that he hasnt written to her. what should i do. i am trying my hardest but i cant understand what he is doing, or what i am doing to him to make him do this. does he even understand that he has a child due in april??? please give me some advice
This is not a good time to be turning a small problem into a big one. Your evidence that there is anything going on between him and this other girl is pretty light. If you want him to be around for you and the baby then be nicer to him. All this nagging about an address in his wallet is only going to drive him away, probably to Puerto Rico.
me and my girlfriend ahve been going out for almost 15 months and at first she was OBSESSED!! with me and over the past month it seems like she doesnt even want to talk to me anymore and im now obsessed with her. I got her an ipod for valentines day and i was hoping that would work, bu it didnt help to much. What do i do?
That is what can happen if you rush a relationship. It takes a while to truly get to know somebody. Next time take it slow and don’t fall in love until you truly know the other person well. An iPod, even crammed with love songs, is only going to get you so many points. My advice is to agree to a cooling off period of a month or two where you don’t see each other. Then after it is over, and it is mutually agreeable, try it again, but be more patient.
Are you printing those questions from those dumb bimbos who write in (some of them can actually spell in English) about their troubles with their boy friends strictly for comic relief? Enough already, I would much rather see you devote that space to real questions about casino gambling.
Your opinion is duly noted. The advice questions take me very little time to answer, while the gambling questions can sometimes take hours. I answer every worthy gambling question I get, so the advice questions are not taking from the gambling questions. However you are not the first to complain so I will segregate the questions starting now, so you will know when to stop reading.
I think a "good" relationship question is in order. My gf and I have been dating for a year and a half. We both graduate in the spring from college, I with my MS and her a BS. She is going to graduate school and wants me to follow her. Is moving in with her a good idea without a ring yet? I need to work a while before I can afford one, and a year of two apartments seems stupid. We get along perfect, but dropping that on her dad might be a bad idea.
If you can get her father to give his approval, even reluctantly, I would go ahead. Perhaps you can sell him on the idea if there are separate beds. So I would indicate you favor the idea but respect her decision if she opposes it for any reason.
dear Wizard, I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months, we both came to our school not knowing one another, and we liked each other when we met. I didn’t know that he had a girlfriend, because he never told me, when I asked he said that he would leave her for me. He did and we have been together since except for a month into the relationship when he said that he needed time away to get over his ex. after that we have been very close, but i still feel like he may be secretly dating her or emailing her. even though he says he’s not and I am stupid for thinking so, what can I change?
There’s nothing to worry about until there’s something to worry about. Unless you have some compelling evidence he’s cheating you should give him the benefit of the doubt. For all he knows you could be cheating on him too. Eventually you will have to choose to trust him if there is any hope this will last.
hi. recently me and my boyfriend had an arguement and i walked out of his house. i rang one of my friends and said can i come meet you cause me and him have had arguement. she went into the toilets as she was at a loud bar and said hes not worth it dumphim, he cheated on you. i was gobsmacked. we had been together everyday and night except for a week after my gran died, he suddenly went round his friend jamies house saturday and sunday.on valentines had a pool game and left me at home on my own, and the dayafter said he would make it up to me but went out with his brother.i was crying when he left asking whyhe couldnt take me out, adn why he went back on his promise. he left me to sit at his all night til he came home out of his face drunk at 2 in the morning.he went out with is brother who is known for cheating and messing women about. apparently that night he saw one of my friends and he kissed two of her friend. there was no exchange of numbers or anything. the day after this hhad hapeened we were rowing alot and i moved out of his. now a month and a half later my friends tell me he cheated on me that night. my friend who saw it didn’t tell me herself and still hasn’t rung me or even text me. the friend who saw it did try and split het rx up with his new girlfriend because she wanted him back. they can say what he was wearing that night but he already said to me that he had seen them out. after i asked him we split up but got back together the next day. he said he will ring the girls and speak to them when i am there and even said if we see them out he will ask them with me why hey were lieing. i dont know who to believe. he has had so many chances to tell me and could have told me when we split up but still said he had never cheated on me.my friends who werent there that night keep telling me he is not worth it and i should end it but they have only heard the girl who supposedly saw its story. what do you think i am so confused. i believe him as he has not stopped telling me he didnt do it. aand even text a few of my friends asking why they lied and hey havent text back. Help
This one I think sets a new record for my spell checker. I have read this several times and I still can’t make much sense of it. While this evidence of cheating is rather flimsy and hearsay, I’m big on listening to the advice of friends. Love can blind you but your friends can more clearly see what is going on. So if forced I would say go with your friends and dump him. I would recommend using the free time in your social schedule to take some remedial English classes.
is my boyfriend cheating?he goes out late at night for about two hours but comes home and tries to have sex with me.why is that?
If he were cheating he probably won’t have the inclination or the stamina for you just two hours later. Plus if he were smart he would keep a longer buffer time afterward to help obfuscate an evidence trail. He probably got worked up whatever he was doing while he was out, perhaps at a club or watching pornography, and came home to release his energy.
i work nights on the weekends and when i come home to take care of our kids the next day my 3 year old son says things about another person he says she comes and plays with him sometimes askes where this person is at or says that he wants to go to her house or talk to her on the phone and there are no friends or relitives that have that name he keeps saying could my son have an imaganary friend or could my spouse be cheating on me
Interesting question. To be honest I don’t know much about imaginary friends. My kids and younger brothers never had one. I would question your son further about the details of this mystery woman. What did she play with you? What did she talk about? What does she look like? If your son seems to be making stuff up as you go then it is probably an imaginary friend, if the answers are realistic and things a child would not come up with on his own then there was somebody else over. Even if there were another woman over that still doesn’t necessarily mean there was cheating. If after questioning your son you feel there was a real woman over then I would confront your husband about it. You can tell he is lying if he doesn’t look you straight in the eye and/or he fidgets when he answers. If it gets to the point where you think your husband is lying I would hide a video camera somewhere when you go to work, like the girl did in the movie ’The Sixth Sense’. I’d be interested to know what happens.
my boyfriend of two years is suddenly behaving suspicious,always complaining about having group work for school(hes in college)with all female group members,he even spends the entire night at her house doing school work or atleast thats what he says.he never has time for me if i ask him to visit me he says hes busy with sch. work or he has to meet a group member.the other night i called to ask him how he was and where he was he said he was in sunset i said what are you doing there and he did not reply,i kept asking in a calm tone and he would not answer me he kept brushing over the subject asking me where i am,i told him where i was and he still didnt answer my question,i asked one last time and he jus stayed on the phone in pure silence determined not to tell me what he was doing there.the he sends me a text telling me to leave him bcus he is stressed out.he is a wonderful guy just dont understand why his attitude his changing so much.he says he want to be with me,but hes getting so withdrawn,he use to call and text me all the time but he doesnt nemore.i love him,i can see myself marrying him in the future,but now i’m not so sure whats going on with him and its making me sad.
My advice is to give him some space and time to sort out whatever he is going through. Tell him you are available to listen to whatever he is going through but he will have to make the next move, and stick to that. Hopefully after a time apart he will miss you and make things right.
Lately my boyfriend of 5 months has been acting distant from me. He doesn’t show me affection like he used to and he doesn’t kiss me the way he used to. Also last night when we were making love he shouted out the name of another person whom happens to be a male co-worker. Should I be concerned that he has feelings for this other man or am I over reacting? Do you think it is possible that he may be gay and is just using me as a cover?
What did you do to this guy to make him switch sides? My advice is to put your cards on the table and tell him your concerns. If he chooses not to confide in you, perhaps a time apart would help him to sort things out. I’m not big on staying in a state of limbo in a relationship, you should either be going forward or getting out.
i meet my boyfriend at church, last year then we started dating for 6 months. i thought that he was going to be faithful to me but what do you know he cheated, i was looking through his phone and seen some nasty text messages. so before i could break up with him he broke up with me. then about 8 months later he said that he changed and that he want to be with me again. so i took him back. turns out that he didnt change after all. infact he was planing on dumbing me for a new girl at the church, and so he did but he dont know that i know about his plan. if he askes for a third chance should i? my heart is still with him.
No. As I’ve said before, I’m not that big on forgiveness when it comes to cheating. Once is optional, twice and you’re a fool, three times and you are a hopeless door mat.
About 7 months ago I left my ex-boyfriend for my current boyfriend now. I love my new boyfriend with all my heart and I would do anything to keep him in my life. But my ex-boyfriend keeps calling and asking me to be with him. So feeling bad that I left him for another guy I decided to have lunch with him. Then when he took me home he kissed me. My question is if me and him are suppose to be or if me and my new boyfriend will overcome this. Thanx!
One thing I repeat a lot is that once you end a relationship, truly end it. It is easy to say this in retrospect but seeing him was a big mistake. You were only giving him false hope. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you two are finished and he is never to contact you again. Also, nothing is ever meant to be. You are the master of your own fate. Apologize to your current boyfriend and ask him to help enforce your new no-contact rule, with force if necessary.
Hello Wizard of Relationships. I think you should do a website devoted to relationships. So far I’ve been quite impressed with your advice. OK here goes...
There are three women at the casino where I work (we’ll label them B, C, and J). B and C are both 23 years old. J is 26 years old. I will be 40 in June. B and J work mostly graveyard shifts (as do I). C works daytime. If I had to choose I would go for C (but I rarely see her). But me and B were holding hands one night (even though we were drunk). I flirt like crazy with J. So based on all these variables, which woman would I have the most success with?
Thanks! I’m not big on large age differences. Based on the information given I favor J. This is because of the lesser age difference, common work schedule, and the flirting shows you like her. All things being equal, any one of them could be the best for you. However, my advice is to be practical and go with the known and convenient choice.
I know my girlfriend is cheating .how can i get her to tell me?
p.s. After publication of my original answer I received the following e-mail about the dangers of sodium thiopental. The link I provided talks of common usages for euthanasia and lethal injection, which I thought would scare off anybody who didn’t realize I was joking. However lest anybody just rush out and buy some I will post his e-mail. He suggested I change "sodium thiopental" to "truth serum" but I would rather my audience learn something about chemistry.
Hello!
I love your site. It’s fabulous. I have a couple of advanced degrees, including one in biostatistics, and I could never program a computer to generate all the odds as wonderfully and cleanly as you do, nor could I explain them in such clear terms. You are unquestionably an authoritative expert when it comes to gambling.
I’m not just shining you on, though - I do have a point. In your April, 2006 advice column someone asked you how he could tell if his girlfriend was cheating. You replied "Sodium thiopental." I laughed. It is a funny joke.
Unfortunately, however, even a brief perusal of your site is enough to convince anyone that you are an authoritative expert. I am concerned that someone who might be a bit less sophisticated than the median might take your advice seriously, obtain some sodium thiopental, and administer it to an unwitting victim.
Thiopental’s really dangerous. Its therapeutic-to-toxic ratio is roughly 1:2, which means it has to be carefully dosed by weight. Physicians like me don’t even use it anymore, preferring the newer class of drugs called the benzodiazepines which have a therapeutic-to- toxic ratio of closer to 1:10. And its interaction with alcohol is dangerous and unpredictable. Frankly, I’d much rather do my gambling with dice.
I wonder if you might consider changing your answer to something similarly amusing but possibly more harmless, such as "Truth serum?"
Respectfully yours,
Dave F., MD
My ex and I have been dating for 5 months. We broke up 2 days before valentines. Mind you he was on the verge of losing his job. Got back to getter two weeks later. Everything seemed fine, no fights. No he’s in the middle of a little legal trouble. We got into an argument on the phone. I hung up. Had some time to think and went over to his house to talk. H broke up with my and said I don’t want a girlfriend that’s what he said last time but we ended going out a gain. I’m very confused. Is it I or is it just when stress kicks in he takes it out on me.
I’m not big on yo-yo relationships like this. Legal and job troubles are no excuse to act like a jerk. You already reconciled twice. If you’re happy now then I would continue with the status quo. However, the next time you break up, truly end it.
Hi, I met this great guy through the internet 3 years ago so it’s been a long distance relationship everything went well until he decided that one day he needed space ’coz he is not sure if he is ready to settle down. Just the beginning of this year I found out that he has been seeing someone from work and has not told me anything about it. Guess you are wondering how did I find this out? Well, I found out from someone and also I saw emails between the two of them which made my stomach turn. I kept asking him if he is honest with our relationship and he replies "YES and that he LOVES me and there is nothing for me to worry about ’coz there is no one in the picture but me." The hard part is that I fell in love with him for who he is but now seeing the other side of him I don’t know if I want to be with him in the future if he is "cheating" behind my back. What should I do? Should I just move on or stay in this relationship even though I may see him different everytime we meet or if we meet don’t even know if I want him to be touching me? I need your advice please...
On the singles market of course people tend to put out their best side at first. The purpose of dating should be to get to know the real person, including the bad side, before starting a life together. You have discovered that this guy is a cheater and a liar. This is an easy one to call, I’d move on immediately. Trust in what your brain is telling you to do. The next time, don’t be so quick to fall in love until you know the guy better.
is my boyfriend cheating on me? i have 2 friends that talk to him a lot more than me. when i tell him to call he almost never does. people also tell me that he’s on drugs and is cheating on me. no one wants us together so i’m afraid to trust them. does it look like he is cheating on me?
Why is he talking to your friends more than you? If he isn’t calling then it doesn’t sound like he is truly a boyfriend to begin with. I would ask yourself whether the people who say he is cheating and taking drugs have a reason to lie. If not, I would take what they say seriously. However, does it really matter? It sounds like he has already let you go but doesn’t have the courage to break up to your face.
my boyfriend of 2 years keeps talking to his ex girlfriend (she hurt him really bad) on the phone. I found out he is text messaging a girl from the same town we live in. He said he doing nothing wrong and for me to stop worrying about everything. He has never gave me a reason to doubt his action but I don’t know if I’m being paranoid.
This alone doesn’t sound like enough evidence to doubt him. There’s nothing to worry about until there is something to worry about. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and stop worrying.
I was with my boyfriend for a year and a half when I found out that he would have to move to america as part of his job as he is in the military. We were madly inlove and as I was in the 1st year of uni & couldnt move with him we decided to try a long distance relationshio. That was almost two years ago and until days ago I thought we were both happy. I visit him in all term breaks but in the stretch before xmas a mate informed me that he was listed on a singles site. I didnt mention to him that I knew about the site but I did tell him that I couldnt understand why attached guys would go on there. I then got another email from a friend sayin they saw him on another website which he had paid at least $30 per month to become a "gold member". When I confronted him he said that it was his way of dealing with our long distance relationship & he swore blind he had never contacted or met any of the girls on there. After setting some strict conditions & askin to see his recent emails I took him back. However there was one email that I wasnt happy with. It was to a girl & it asked for a photo of herself. He said that it was harmless and just a friend but it was too shady so I emailed her & she told me that my boyfriend had tried it on with her at the pool where they live, petting was involved before she stopped him saying she had a boyfriend. When I asked my boyfriend about it again he denied it & it wasnt until I told him about the email she sent that he admitted to it. I have broken off the relationship but i love him soo much & I want him back but I know that I cant trust him anymore. Please can you advise me on the right thing to do! And if there is potential solutions that we could try to try and build bridges. Or do you think that he might have cheated more times-as everytime Iv looked Iv found something. Is this just a coincidence that I managed to find it all or do you think that there are many more dark secrets? Please Help!!!!
Long distance relationships are tough. For every one lie you catch him in there are likely several you don’t. However, I would keep in mind that it is tough for a young single man to stay true to a long distance relationship for a long time. I think this will continue as long as you two are apart. In this situation I would be generous with the forgiveness. Unless one of you is able to move soon I suggest agreeing to an open relationship where dating others is allowed, both ways. He sounds like he is still in love and is just looking for something temporary. Hopefully you’ll survive the test of time.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. We’ve had a child, but given her away for adoption. While pregnant he would instant message an ex frequently, with very sexual messages. He said that it was nothing. Now, 2 years later, I found hes saying very sexually explict things to another girl. (I found pictures on his cell phone with her from when i was pregnant)I work in the day, he works at night, so i have no clue what goes on during the day. What are your thought? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I consider sharing sexual banter electronically with other girls a low, almost harmless, degree of cheating. It could easily be a man at the other side pretending to be a girl (no, I don’t do that myself). So if this is the worst thing he has ever done I’d give him a pass.
My boyfriend of 8mo swears he has not cheated on me. But every time I ask him if he has he says no and looks away, or squints his eyes. And i just get this qut feeling he has, although I cant prove it.Is it just me or could he have really cheated on me.
It is a good sign somebody is lying if he can’t look you in the eye. You can never totally rule out cheating unless it would somehow be physically impossible. However, unless you have some much harder evidence I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and stop nagging him.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 1/2 years and we just had a son whom is now 7 months old. when i call my boyfriends cell phone he never picks up, or ill keep calling him and he’ll turn off his phone. and when i tell him why wont he answer my calls he says that his phone died or that he didnt hear his phone or that he was bussy. Sometimes my boyfriend dissapears from me and his family and wont come in contact with us. He doesnt spen as much time as he did with me and his son like before. Hes always braking promises and all he can say is a plain and simple sorry but ends up doing it again. He also leaves me hanging but always tells me that he loves me and that he wants to be with me but at the same time lies too much? I want to know whats going on. is he with someone else or what??
Actions speak louder than words. There could be lots of reasons for his behavior, including just being too young to be a father. Regardless of the reasons there is no excuse for neglecting his responsibilities to you and his son. I would strip him of his boyfriend status and don’t take him back until you get a marriage proposal.
I suspect my b/f of 8 years is cheating what are some of the signs I should look for?
You can tell he is cheating if he is happy.
Be true to yourself and you can't go wrong
I find myself giving the same advice over and over on cheating boyfriend questions. In an effort to quit repeating myself I am going to give some general advice below. After this point I will not answer future questions if I feel the advice below applies.
The foundation of all gambling advice on this site is that when faced with a decision, go with the option that results in the highest expected value. The same advice applies in looking for a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife. Seek out somebody with the highest expected value you can reasonably hope for. How should you measure the expected value of a human being? To paraphrase Martin Luther King Jr., I think you should look first at the content of his/her character.
I’m often asked about forgiving somebody who was caught cheating. In general I recommend not to. This is an obvious sign that you are dealing with somebody of low moral character. Maybe, if you have otherwise years of happiness and it seems a one-time incident, then forgiveness is optional. But don’t do it twice.
When in doubt about cheating don’t make any accusations without evidence. Questioning about every possible window of opportunity is not likely to result in a confession, and you will only make you look like a distrustful nag if you’re wrong. So when in doubt keep your mouth shut and your eyes and ears open.
My general advice for all "should I stay or should I go" or "which one should I pick" questions is to do what your BRAIN is telling you to do. That will often be the harder decision to make in the short-run but in the long-run you will waste less time in bad relationships and expose yourself to higher quality candidates.
Another frequent question is on how to break up. My advice is that a break up should be cold and clean. None of this friendship nonsense. If you can still be friends, then why are you breaking up? If there was already a breakup, which you are happy with, but the other party is not letting go, then don’t lead him on or humor him. Tell him to not call, write, or communicate in any way and do not respond if he does anyway.
"Be true to yourself and you can’t go wrong" - Eurythmicser
Okay, my bofriend and I have been together for about 6 years and I just moved far away from him to finish my schooling. He cheated on me with a promiscuous girl. But he told me that he didn’t mean for it to go that far and he was just trying to make out with her to get back at me for making out with another guy-- a couple years ago. I truly love him and want to get past this, but he ended up having unprotected sex with her, in an elevator. He seems sincere in his apologies and is extremely remorseful. Is this something I should try to get over and continue my life with him? Or am I wasting my time?
Sex in an elevator? How come these things never happened to me while I was single. It took me about six months of dating just to get to second base. As I have said numerous times before, forgiveness for cheating the first time is optional but never a second time. Since you say he seems sincere and remorseful I’d get past this if he otherwise has no major faults.
My boyfriend admitted to cheating on me about 4 months ago, but we have been trying to rebuild our relationship. I’m having a hard time trusting him and I can’t tell if I’m being overly paranoid or if I truly have something to worry about. I don’t know how to talk to him about my concerns without him becoming defensive, but I need reassurance. What should I do?
I wouldn’t bring it up. It will at best accomplish nothing and at worst cause a big argument. Over time you will start to get past this. This also just goes to show that if you do cheat, stop it, but don’t confess.
I have been "seeing" a guy for three years. He says he doesn’t want a relationship but always wants to be with me. Now we only sleep together. Will he ever want to be with me more or after this long can a guy just continue just to do one thing with me and pursue others? I don’t know what to say to him but feel sad all the time that I don’t get more.
It seems he doesn’t want to buy the cow because the milk is free.